Janet M.
What does depression or anxiety feel like? What is this desire to sadden myself?
I really didn’t think I wanted to feel sad or think sad thoughts. I noticed these thoughts would bombard me when I least expected them, and I would feel so self-conscious, uncomfortable, and embarrassed at times, especially around others. If I was by myself, it wasn’t embarrassing, of course, but just very depressing. There were nights I hoped not to wake up in the morning. There were thoughts and actions to end it all. Why couldn’t I let go of the past? Why couldn’t I let go of all the negative experiences that were bombarding my mind and making me feel so bad about myself and everything? At times it seemed that everything and everyone had such an impact on me: how I thought, how I felt, and what I would do. Sometimes I would feel very good and so happy, and other times I could feel very sad, depressed, and lonely. I would experience a deep void. I became addicted to substances and relationships, unknowingly hoping to fix myself from outsourcing. I spent many self-destructive years digging a deeper pit.
During one very difficult period, I was blessed to find and accept the 12 Step Process of Recovery, dealing with one addiction, then another. I’m so thankful for the revelation that brought a deeper dive into the buried roots with working “Step Three” in Depressed Anonymous. While allowing myself to move underground from “the empty void,” I came to experience a Higher Power. I call this God’s grace. No longer paralyzed and hypnotized by fear, I could risk and trust a reality of harmony and acceptance. God was always there, under that void that would numb me and bury me with its emptiness. Gaining the courage to surrender and merge into the presence of peace and joy, shining forth as the sunlight of the Spirit, I’ve gained a new life of liberty and hope.
The Depressed Anonymous Support Group meets each Monday (except major holidays) from 10 to 11 a.m. at 15930 North Oracle Road, Suite 138, Catalina, AZ 85739.
For more information, contact Janet M. at 907-398-0925 or [email protected].