Dr. Rose Bricker
A few months ago, I wrote an article about how to identify narcissist traits and behaviors. This month, I would like to provide some tips on how to manage the interactions you may have with a narcissist. If you are in a relationship with someone who has narcissistic traits and behaviors, the relationship can leave you confused, anxious, and extremely exhausted. A person doesn’t have to have a diagnosis of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) for the behaviors and traits to be toxic in a relationship.
Narcissism is defined as someone who has an exaggerated sense of self-importance, a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, has troubled relationships, and a lack of empathy for others. Narcissists often engage in exploitative and manipulative behavior, have a sensitivity to criticism, believe they are entitled to special treatment, and are often arrogant. In any relationship, these behaviors are challenging, toxic, and destructive.
Six different types of narcissism have been identified: the grandiose, the vulnerable, the covert, the malignant, the communal, and the self-righteous narcissist. According to Dr. Ramani Durvasula, who is an authority on narcissistic behaviors, there are some rules that are helpful for interactions with a narcissist.
Rules for Interacting with a Narcissist
Don’t React. It’s important to know that the narcissist is looking for your reaction. They will use your reaction as fuel to confuse you, control you, and/or manipulate you. This allows them to feel in charge. It’s all about them being in control of you and the situation. They seek that power.
Don’t Engage. This is called “gray rocking.” Make your responses short, and don’t engage with the narcissist. Again, this allows you to realize you have control over and can reduce the continued verbal abuse.
Avoid Calling Them Out. Remember, they are likely to lie, gaslight, and try to manipulate the truth. Even when you present the evidence, don’t expect the narcissist to own their behavior. The knowledge that you have proof will help you accept the reality of the relationship. Your trust in them will be eroded with this behavior.
Don’t Personalize. Remember that the narcissist is often treating others the same way. You can take a step back and realize their behaviors are a reflection on them, not you. If they are being the communal (nice guy) narcissist with others, you can still choose to step back. Don’t take it personally. Again, their behaviors are not about you; it’s about them.
What Not to Say. Don’t call them a narcissist. It won’t help! It will come back on you. The power is knowing more about the narcissistic behavior and learning how to be prepared for the tactics they will use. Don’t tell them they are “gaslighting” you. Again, it won’t help. Knowing about gaslighting helps you choose to engage or not when it happens. Don’t tell them, “You’ll never change.” This, again, is a set-up for more of their destructive behaviors. Don’t tell them, “I will never forgive you.” The narcissist will turn this around on you and blame and shame you, making you the bad guy for not forgiving.
If you are in a relationship with a “narcissist,” either romantically or have a family member or co-worker who displays these characteristics, you can learn more ways to manage these interactions. This is the way to find your peace, joy, and contentment! You are worth it!
Call me, Dr. Rose Bricker, at 520-820-4079 for more information or to schedule a 30-minute complimentary meet and greet appointment.