Pat Mersy
Grieving is a messy business. There is no recipe to get through the process, only difficult hard work. People who lose a loved one are usually in a state of shock the first couple of months. Coupled with this understandably difficult time are the requirements by the government, financial institutions and credit card companies to get things dealt with so the survivor can sort out their financial life. It can be even more difficult and complex if your loved one has passed as a result of something like medical negligence, as you will also have to go through the traumatic process of dealing with a specialist in wrongful death lawsuits in Morgantown, or wherever you are based.
We hold a bereavement group here in SaddleBrooke on Sunday afternoon from 4:00 to 5:30 p.m. (HOA 1 Clubhouse, lower level, Coyote Room), where people who have lost a loved one can come and find a group of people who understand what the newly bereaved person is feeling. It is amazing how a group of previous strangers can support each other in the processing of their grief. Of course, it is very difficult at first to feel comfortable in such a group, but those who stay find that it is a wonderful place to share their feelings with a group of people experiencing the same kind of pain. To discover that what they are experiencing is normal; that others feel the same way that they do. This normalizing is a powerful thing. Early in bereavement, a person may shock themselves by the number of tears they shed along with the desire to scream and cry out. Those feelings are also a normal part of grieving and the shedding of tears is a very healthy reaction to such deep pain. There are no shortcuts to the process of grief work.
Some people find their alcohol consumption increasing or that they run around all the time trying to stay busy, keep ahead of the grief. Alcohol in excess is never a good answer to the grieving process—alcohol is a natural depressant, so the feelings of loneliness and grief will only increase over time; you can never drink enough to fill the void. Of course, keeping busy is a common way to attempt to outrun grief, but when you stop there is grief waiting to remind you of your loss. You just can’t run fast enough or far enough. You might just as well stop and do the messy work of grief.
In dealing with your grief make use of a grief group; talk about your feelings to people who are willing to listen even if they don’t understand. You will find that some people do not understand and expect you to “be done with your grief” in a certain amount of time. Just know that they don’t know. Accept that crying is normal and don’t expect that in a specific amount of time everything will again be normal for you. In fact, you will never be the same person that you were before your loved one died, but the person who emerges from the ashes of grief may be a stronger and a better version of you!
In other words, you will feel better eventually if you do the necessary work to lessen your grief.